Today morning was one of the most beautiful mornings. It felt like a morning of a little achievement. No, it’s not about the materialistic win, it’s something beyond that.

After dealing with depression for nearly 8 months, after a very long time, I woke up to see the sunrise.
After a very long span of time, I felt alive. Something that was killing me since last 8 months, I killed it today. Before going to the washroom, I asked Mumma to make tea for me. She was shocked and asked, WHY? Mumma, because I don’t want to go back to sleep again, I replied.

It has affected my health badly, it will take time and I am not in a hurry. Weight gain, body ache, irritation, breathing issues, dark circles and then there were months when periods would go on for almost 15 days.

We all go through bad times. Sometimes life gets tougher than what we could have imagined even in our craziest dream. Some people confuse it with “just a phase”, and they say, just like the good times, this will also be gone. True. But sometimes it just stays more than it should.

I carry a lot of sad memories in my heart. Few cruel incidents and accidents happened when I was just 8-9 years old. And one after another it kept happening. Every time, it got worse with time.

When I turned 17, my desire to live was gone. By that age, I had already tried to kill myself for fairly 5 times. I wanted to escape the harsh truth of life. Yes, I am a suicide survivor and I am not ashamed of it. I have vomited blood on my clothes at midnights and I am not embarrassed by it.

Just like a lot of you, I have been through dry afternoons and gloomy nights. On one such afternoon, I lost it completely, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to reach out to someone. But I couldn’t move. I wanted to call someone but my fingers went numb. I couldn’t move, breath or do anything. That was the moment when I knew what is helplessness.

On a random day, I was sitting and thinking about this afternoon. Suddenly a thought popped up in my mind. On that afternoon, in that moment of helplessness, some part of me wanted me to try. A part of my soul did not want me to give up. That was the moment when I knew what is the true meaning of gathering courage. I wanted to come out of it. I wanted a solution to it. My heart and mind were giving me a message. And then in that moment, I said to myself, “When in need, go be a help to someone”. That was the day I realized that I am born to do some great epic stuff.

I am not going anywhere. I fought back. I’m still fighting. With the hope that someday, I’ll be at peace. That was the time when I shaped Secret Soul Desires, with the purpose to help artists.

But then depression makes its rounds. And you see I got completely knocked down.

I have had sleepless nights, I hated mornings, and sunlight irritated the hell out of me. I was suspected of breast cancer. For months, I have felt pain crawling from my chest towards my neck. I lost my friends. I remember walking down familiar lanes alone.

But now in the moments of giving up, I know what helplessness is, what courage is and what the voice of the soul is.
I started writing and sharing my words with outside world. It worked for me. I meet unknown people, sit with them, sometimes I hug them. I go for walks on unknown lanes now. And I am not in a hurry to go back home.

I fought back. I’m still fighting.

I’m alive.
I’m smiling.

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लंबी घनी अंधेरी रात के बाद,
फिर एक उजली सुबह होगी,

हताशा के घने बादलों को चिर के,
उम्मीद की किर्णो की बारिश होगी,

आज मेने फिर एक बार जिंदगी को चुना है,
आशा है की जिंदगी एक बार फिर मुझे चुनेगी.

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