There is a reason why I thought that I need to write, I believe that each time a woman stands up for herself, she stands up for all women.

There are many such stories I have heard but today when I am in this position where I am, I learned that I am not the only one there will be many girls who will go through this and I can’t change each one’s life but at least I can make an effort for them to change themselves.

I am a South Indian Christian girl, very well educated. Completed my MBA was successfully working. But as soon as I turned 23 my parents started looking for a guy for me. I was not sure about how to react but yes I agreed to them. They made a matrimonial profile, and there began a storm in my mind. Many proposals came, many spoke to me.

I answered many questions like what my weight was, what I was doing to lose weight. People also asked so how much weight will you lose before marriage …Yes one guy did ask me how much weight I can lose before marriage. I was stunned and was frustrated meeting guys and replying to their stupid questions. (Forgot to mention, I was overweight. But looked okay ).

My confidence was low and shattered with many such incidences, I believed that may be being hot and wearing a short dress is all that mattered. Being a loving person or a caring person didn’t matter anymore. (Let me tell you, I was very popular in my college, my work place. I was very active and very social by nature).  

A day came when I fought with my mom, I didn’t want to marry. I was happy with my life how it was going, but she just didn’t give up.  (Like, all our moms).

That’s when a proposal of a boy came, who had made his profile so rosy and perfect that there was no reason for my mom to not like him. He wrote his salary as Rs. 12 Lakh per annum, called himself a VP of some company. Not just this, my mom also peeped into his LinkedIn profile. (Let me tell you it’s not hard creating some fake profiles and put recommendations, I have seen it). Too impressed with his profile she asked me to talk to him, when we started talking I was feeling okay and started thinking maybe we have the same wavelength (career and profile wise). We spoke for a long time and this went on for 3 days. On 3^rd day, he said he wanted to marry me (He had not seen me yet). I described him about me, I accepted the fact that I am not like the hot girls he has dated. His talks were all too nice. (I must accept he is a good talker).  When my parents inquired about his family we realized we have many relatives … (My parents did not research about the guy that much as they knew his family name).  In India, it is believed that in a marriage the family is what matters the most, more than whether they gel along well or not.

When you are de-motivated, when you have people rejecting you on the basis of looks and your figure, you tend to fall for the little attention you get. You don’t see the gaps, you fail to dig deep. “You just fail and fall in love”. And here is where I went wrong; I didn’t see many things that were just before my eyes. When our wedding got fixed and everything went fine, he kept telling me “I can’t believe everything is going so smooth and nobody was against this marriage”. I didn’t understand that before but now I know what was that went wrong. After the 2^nd day of my marriage, he asked me to give him all my gold which he said he will keep in a gold locker in Kerala (According to him it will be much safe there than with me), and I could carry only the gold that can be used for daily purpose.

Little that I knew that the gold he was taking was for giving it away for a gold loan. After all the rituals, when we were heading to our lives and went back to Delhi, the “Tali mala” often said as symbol of a marriage was taken from me (As it was a heavy and expensive gold chain), he convinced me that Delhi is not a safe place for wearing such a heavy gold chain and might create a problem for me, and so I believed him blindly and gave my chain. Never knew that was also kept in gold loan and I was cheated by husband one more time.

In 2^nd month of my marriage, I was pregnant, I convinced him that we need to get more serious and we need to think about our kid, he agreed to take up a job. I was happy. I did not know that this will also not last long. One day when I was in another room. He took my gold bangle & another chain (The one that I bought from my first salary, which was pretty close to me, and had lot of sentimental value.) without my knowledge.

When I searched the whole house and cried like crazy, I asked him. He ignored, he blamed me and said I had given the gold to him and I don’t remember. I felt shattered, when a man raises his voice we often break the confidence in which we speaking in. I was sinking, I started feeling this marriage has a lot of lies that I don’t know about. I tried committing suicide. Took a knife tried cutting my hand. Somehow I failed.  He promised he will change.

But nothing did change, when I told him I felt like committing suicide. He sent me back home. I cried, I begged. Though he was wrong, I was pleading. If someone asks me why I did that, it was because of my family. The thought of going back to a house where your 90 years old grandpa wants to see you smile, where your parents have brought you up “To not give up on relationships”. I just didn’t wanna go, though I knew at back of my mind that what I am doing is wrong (“Begging somebody to let you stay, is never worth it”). 14 days passed by my husband never called back never did he ask about the kid. He did not put any efforts to know about me. And that’s when one more thunder broke on me, there was a problem in the growth of my child and that it was leading to some complications. I had to let go my baby. 5 months in me, I lived for him. But I had to let go. Things just did take a big turn; my husband was back in my life after 14 days, promising me and others to be a better person. But little did I know that there are more things going to come on me.

For me, what mattered always was “His emotions, his food, and his family”. I lost touch with many of my friends. Cleaning house, cooking and being that wife who is there for your husband was all I did. I ignored many calls, maybe because I didn’t have answers to them.

I got a job; I tried to be occupied with it. In between all this though I was enjoying life, inside I had a fear. He had broken my trust not once but more…I kept asking him about the Gold in Kerala, but he never took me there and never for the past years showed my gold once. He ignored me every time I asked him about it. He shouted and yelled at me and blamed me that I doubt him unnecessarily.  Behind all this I failed to see one thing our marriage was not like others, though we were husband wife in front of the world. But we didn’t have a relationship.

To make him feel attracted to me, I cooked what he liked. Planned surprises for him. When we used to have fights I had to find new ways to make him feel special. But I never got anything in return. I failed to see this. I failed to be the girl I was. The chirpy, talkative person. I had lost myself in the path of being a good wife.

He used to check other girls profile and lie to me, he used to come to sleep late after me, he used to ignore the moments I would cry to sleep. There were many signs in front of me which I was not accepting. Those messages from girls, those photos in his laptops. Everything I ignored. As any other wife would think, I thought I am just insecure. His late night rides, taking his friends car and coming back. His telling lies with who he was. Everything I ignored. One such incident is still in mind when he called me to a pub, I was so happy.  He called me to pay the bill as my card was with me. As a wife, I always shared my account details with him.  Everything from my earnings to expenditures he was well aware of. But I lacked in seeing that I didn’t know much about him.

We took a loan (again in my name as I had a fixed salary) to get my gold out, but he shouted and yelled and got me to transfer all the money to his account. I did that too. I waited for him to realize and prayed to God every single night. My parents knew something is wrong. They saw the signs. His changing jobs, his changing business, his changing houses.  And I just followed him, because I did not want to let go my relationship. Because my parents taught me not to give up on anything. I was worried about the society; I was worried about the family reputation.

My cousins’ wedding. My grandpa’s name. Everything mattered to me a lot. I still remember the days when I used to cry in the bathroom. I used to drink a glass of alcohol and go to sleep to have a sound sleep. The days when I was not well he used to ignore me thinking I am doing drama.

All this just broke me. Just shook me so hard that somewhere in the back of the mind I knew he was lying. My wedding rings, my earrings, I lost everything. But for me money did not matter. So I still kept fighting to let the relationship work.  I failed to see the signs, I just failed.  Many times he asked me to ask my parents money and I asked every time, little did I know he was misusing me. I kept telling him one thing one line “I can forget and forgive everything, but I won’t forgive the person who cheats on me.”  

I have walked out of the house many times, once I went and stayed in the hotel alone. Not because I enjoyed it, somewhere I was just losing myself. I expected him to call me, look for me and love me back and understand me. But this thought was wrong; I expected something from a person who was using me. He asked me to ask money to my parents on my birthday. I refused. We fought badly and on my birthday again, I went to sleep crying. I said I am going to my sister house for few days as I want to spend time with her. He didn’t say anything. Two days passed, he didn’t call to ask when I am coming. He called me one day to ask whether I will ask my parents for money or not. It was a wakeup call for me; God showed me something more important. He showed me that I love the wrong guy.

The same week where I was staying and spending time at my sister’s place I got a call from my cousin. Who just asked me a question and that was the end to the dream I was living in. She told me very politely, I don’t know what this will do but I have to tell you this and she shared some screenshots. Those were the screenshots of a married man on an online dating site. A screenshot of my husband on a dating site. And that day, I still remember I felt like the tissue paper that was used and thrown away. I cried, I thought I am wrong. I tried ways to keep thinking that this is not happening. I could not accept it. But many signs just kept pouring in. I poured out to my friend, my sister and my mother.

This was the end of the relationship, the girl who should be like the butterfly spreading her wings was standing still inside her cocoon being cheated by her husband

For months I cried, I thought he will come back to me. Fight for this relationship. Fight with me to be in his life. But no leaf turned.  He did not waste a single month, he found new girl “Though officially still married”. The girl knew about me everything and still flirted around with him. Whom should I blame in all of this?

The Society – Who has made the girls so weak that they are scared to walk out of their ruined marriages?

My Parents – Who accepted all the Boy’s family’s demands?

The Man – Who took me for granted and used me? Who spoiled my two years? 

The Boy’s Family – Who knew a lot but kept hiding from the girl’s family? 

The Other Girl – Who knew about him being married and still was OK in being involved? 

The Matrimonial site / the dating site – Who didn’t verify the information entered?

He is living his life happily, never did he call nor did he turn towards me, for him to forget me it only took less than a month. But for me he is still in my mind. My love for him was not like his, it was not based on time and use. It was pure, that’s why I had the strength to forgive him many times.

I just took a step back this moment and held my emotions and write to each girl who reads this. See the signs around you.

Don’t fall madly in love that you give up your parents’ hard earned money. Don’t marry a guy or the family who wants DOWRY.  A dowry is a dowry in any form.

If you want to change the world around, you change yourself first. I could have forgiven him if he would have come back and given me a reason to believe it. But it’s too late. A girl can forget a lot of injustice, but she can’t forget the moment when her love cheated on her.

There is learning from every story. And it is how you take it !!

P.S I am not a feminist. I know there are many men who are real gems. But this is not about gender it is about how we open our eyes and not be blind in love.  How we need to step up for ourselves. Speak up for what is not right .It’s from a woman that a family begins, a society changes. I am doing my bit towards this change.

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