How often have we felt not understood or misunderstood, unheard, neglected, unloved because the partner reacts in a certain manner? We have this idea that our partner will behave or react in a certain manner if they love us. These presumptions set us up for newer disappointments each time, and then again. We have forgotten that as ‘women’ & ‘men’, we have been wired differently in terms of thought process, feeling, emotions and their expression. We expect the opposite sex to think, communicate and react the way we do!! This is what creates friction in most relationships.

Very often, women express that men don’t ‘LISTEN’. For a man, his sense of self depends on his ability to achieve results or goals. He always listens from a point of offering a solution, while she talks from a point of only sharing. He doesn’t know that she needs empathy, but he thinks she needs a solution! For him, achieving a goal (be it at the end of their conversation) is important because there lies his power and competency. This is why they grow up fantasizing about objects and gadgets.

When it comes to solving his own challenges, men want to do it all by themselves. He wants to handle them on his own. He needs no empathy. Asking for help or solution is a sign of weakness for him ( and not an ‘ego’ issue as commonly perceived). For him to feel good enough about himself, he needs to resolve challenges for himself and his woman.

What makes a woman’s sense of self?

Communication. Harmony. Relationships. Feelings.

Sharing her personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals. Hence the need to talk and connect (commonly perceived as ‘women are talkative’). It gets a little tough for a man to comprehend this, given the differences between the needs of the two sexes. Women are more relationship oriented, less of goal oriented when it comes to most of their interactions. Two women meet over lunch generally to nurture a relationship/ friendship, or to give/ receive support. Two men often meet over lunch but for a good chunk of time end up in discussing work or business.

How many times do you have males meeting up to ‘simply catch-up from where we left the last time’?

A woman loves to offer suggestions because she believes it is a way of making things better. It is their way of caring (they forget that this works with women only). But for a man, it may be belittling his efficiency of taking charge of things. He may feel humiliated. Remember it is their need to prove themselves at every little goal. A man seeks advice only after he has done all that he can do alone.

So, dear men, when your lady talks about all that went wrong during her day (often happens as soon as you are back home, since she has been waiting to share  this), you only need to be present with her, just need to be there for her. Don’t offer solutions. Don’t interrupt her. If you do, she feels unheard. Allow her to communicate.

And here is some relationship advice for women, keep away from giving unasked advice or criticism. Your man has his own shell he will usually withdraw into, in order to resolve his problem or to deal with his stress. And that is OK!! Allow him to be there. Know that he hasn’t gone away. He will always come back once done. It is not his need to talk about it, and hence he won’t. But that does not mean he doesn’t love you. To expect a man who is in his shell to instantly become open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset to immediately calm down and make complete sense.

Men and women are different. They complement each other. When a man is in love, he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. He learns to think beyond himself. He feels confident enough to bring about major changes. He begins to care about another as much as himself. It is difficult for a man to be motivated when he is not needed. He needs to feel trusted and accepted.

A woman needs to feel that she is not alone. Her needs are to be met through companionship, nurturing, caring and sharing her feelings.

LOST IN TRANSLATION-

To express themselves fully, women tend to use generalizations, metaphors, superlatives and men tend to take these in literal sense and react in an ‘unsupportive’ manner (but obvious).

When she says – You are never there for me-

It means – I need your support in an unusual way today. Of course you are there, but I am afraid there are things more important than me today. Could you just be by me for a good time today?

What he hears- Would you care enough to prove how interested you are in supporting me?

And this leads to an argument as the man invalidates her feeling, as per his interpretation of her feeling.

While men don’t talk about how they feel, it is a big challenge for women to correctly interpret their silence and support them. And for a man, it is to correctly interpret and support her when she is talking about her feelings.

Men and women process information differently. Women often think out loud. So dear men, LISTEN hear her out patiently.

Men silently ‘mull over’ and silently figure out a response. All this while the lady feels unloved or not wanted. So dear women, it is good to do all that makes you feel happy and good. Do things that you enjoy. While it adds to your life, it will also help your man. Because his sense of worth lies in how you feel.

Love often fails because people instinctively give what they want. They get caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other’s needs. And gradually they burn out. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs. Without giving more but giving what is required we do not burn out. Little things make a big difference.

Happy loving and living!

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