He wasn’t the most popular guy in the school, but he was still admired by many. So, you could guess my surprised and joyous state when he showed interest in me. Yes, he used to smile whenever he saw me, sent me letters through my friends and ohhh, I have always loved reading letters! He flirted just right and balanced the seriousness along with it. I was falling in love with him. But he never said he loved me with his words, he just kept beating around the bush. And that made it more interesting and exciting!

He had the reputation for breaking hearts and people around me had warned me too. But to me, it was a challenge.

How would it feel to be loved by someone who had never truly loved before?

I often used to wonder. I didn’t want to judge him because he was a human, and boy, humans do make mistakes! I thought that his reputation was tagged on him because he never met the right one. I thought that maybe I could be his right one!

He walked inside my class and told me that he was in love with me in front of the whole class. As embarrassed as I was, it felt special. I could feel jealousy among people around me. I didn’t give him a reply right away but looking at his expression, I was sure he knew. He knew that I was in love with him and oh boy, I really was!

With him, it always felt special, like my existence meant something. He used to get possessive sometimes but he handled it so well, I only felt lucky and wished him to get more possessive for me. We started sleeping together but he never touched me, not in that way. I felt respected and valued. Little did I know, I was an animal being treated well, just to be slaughtered later?

Are the Millennials Looking for Shallow Thin Love? – Love, Relationships and the ‘Hook-Up’ Culture

You know what they say; a happy animal gives sweeter meat!

When he finally wanted have sex with me, I never even felt like pretending to say no. Instead, I wanted him inside me. I trusted him so much; I could have let him hold a knife near my neck and would have slept peacefully. We did it. It was the day I lost my virginity. He was tender and less demanding. There was more pleasure than the pain, because of the way he handled it so wonderfully.

Few more nights and he became demanding. He made me do things I couldn’t even imagine. He said that he loved exploring sex. It used to hurt me but I obeyed him, because boring sex definitely brings bitterness in a relationship; the statement he used to remind me of again and again, because of which he had left his former girlfriends. He was an animal on bed but still a gentleman during other times; this I used to remind myself again and again.

And you know what, I started liking it. The more he explored, the more I found myself enjoying it. He said that he had never experienced before the way he felt with me. “And trust me, I have slept with many”, he used to say with beaming with pride. I believed him and it used to make me happier.

I was a naive girl blindly in love!

For him, girls were nothing but a toy, and there are so many times you can play with a same toy. He left me few days

later, giving a reason that is not even worth mentioning. And yes, I did everything people do when they are heart-broken. I did something stupid too; I made another boyfriend just to show him that I was happy without him. But I swore never to have sex! But once you have done it, and done it so many times, you start to miss it. Yes, even a kiss with my next boyfriend used to arouse me. One night, we ended up doing it, and the next day, I woke up with regrets. And I swore myself not do it again.

I started liking my next boyfriend. I thought that maybe, it was time to make some changes. Maybe, I met the right one. He was the worst. He told everyone about what we did on bed, in detail, and the way I had done it, I was already a slut; and he, a hero.

A slut that became a phone number for drunken people.

Some people still tried to pretend to love me, while most of them, made me know what their intentions were. I didn’t sleep with any of them, trying to save what little reputation was left of me; assuming there was. I tried to be a “good girl” again.

But to drown, you only need few minutes, and to save yourself, you have to suffer and try harder while suffering.

And only sometimes, you can save yourself. Sometimes, you die. I was already dead!
Few months later, I wanted it. The touch of a hand on my body, hungry kisses on my lip, seeing a man moan with my commands. Yes, I wanted it all. But I knew that if I did it, I would be killing myself twice. So, I went for a drink. Maybe, I just wanted something to blame for my actions and what’s best for it than alcohol! But the funny thing was that, I forgot that I was already labeled a slut by few people and no one would bother hearing my justification.

I damaged myself beyond repair.

People never even wanted to be friends with me, because being friends with me meant as if putting dirt on their own clothes. I made new friends; girls of my own kind. Those I always met in parties. We tried not to stay in touch after the party ended. I made friends with those people who maybe knew my past but chose not to judge or undermine me.

NO! I am not a slut. I was just a young girl, very much in love, who was too trusting.

After what all I have been through, I have realized that ultimately, I was suffering the consequences of the choices I had made, the things I wanted for myself at that point of time with the hope of “real love” to which I succumbed to, which was nothing but a huge mistake and betrayal.

I am not saying that you must look at every guy, every possibility of love with suspicion or with scrutiny.

But be completely sure before investing your emotions, time and most importantly your dignity and self-respect into someone, before you submit yourself entirely to the relationship.

Contributor chose to remain Anonymous. She is a 4th year B.Tech Student  from Ahmedabad.

Myths around Hymen busted – Test for woman’s virginity or not!?